


the stars must be so lonely

by maraudermeryn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Mutual Pining, Pining, and jily, dorlene, i write these when i’m sad so a lot of them will be sad, snape and dumbledore bashing, we love jegulus, wolfstar, wolfstar angst, yeah i hate them so much, yes i’m projecting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29751789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudermeryn/pseuds/maraudermeryn
Summary: hey all! here’s some marauders headcanons that i wrote. disclaimer: i’m not the world’s greatest writer! i just like to write these sometimes and get the ideas out into words, even if they aren’t the best.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 15





	1. jegulus - if only they’d both known

“hey, james?” sirius says quietly to his best friend sitting next to him, knocking his shoulder gently against his.

remus and peter aren’t paying attention, as peter is animatedly describing a step-by-step explanation of the chess game he had won against lily the night before to remus.

that was what peter enjoyed about remus; he was always interested in listening to peter and the other two marauders. even if that thing he was listening to was one of the few things that remus was as rubbish at like chess.

sirius looks away from peter’s retelling and back over at james. “hey,” he says again, flicking james’ nose.

“what?” james says distractedly, slowly tearing his eyes away from the slytherin table that he’d been not so secretly staring at for most of breakfast. he looks at sirius.

“why are you always staring at my brother, prongs?” sirius says, and this seems to snap james out of his reverie.

“i—i’m not...” he tries to defend, but he stops mid-sentence when he sees the look on sirius’ face.

“james, you’ve been looking at him all morning the same way i look at remus,” he says with a pointed look. “you know, that longing, doe-eyed gaze— no, prongs, no pun intended— where you can’t comprehend why you’ve fallen for someone so unattainable and you start to wonder if they’ll ever like you back?” sirius explains quietly. they stare at each other with a look of understanding for a minute before remus’ voice startles them.

“everything alright, padfoot?” remus asks, as he and peter look curiously at the interaction between james and sirius. he has that smile, that small crooked smile that reaches his eyes and seems to light up the room, dancing on his lips.

“all good, moony,” james replies for him with that confident smile he always seems to wear. remus looks unconvinced, but peter starts telling him about a trip that he’s dreading to take with his muggle relatives over break and he looks away from his two suspicious friends.

james and sirius sit in silence, that silence being enough. james glances at regulus again, and sirius at remus.

“you won’t tell him, right?” james asks softly after a moment, staring anxiously at sirius. sirius has never seen james so unsure of himself, so nervous.

“he and i rarely talk anymore, prongs. i won’t,” sirius assures him, thinking about how he and his little brother have drifted apart.

if only they both knew that regulus had been staring at the gryffindor table while the two quietly talked, a sense of longing settling in his chest. what he would’ve given to sit where sirius sat, right next to james.

james, with his unruly hair and his beautifully dark skin and those stupidly perfect straight teeth he’d attained after years of braces before school. with his crooked nose from numerous fights and adorable glasses that never sat straight on his face, with his wind-burnt cheeks that were somehow still red even an hour after he’d finished quidditch practice.

stupid, crazy, lovable james potter. someone who regulus knows will never give him a second glance unless he’s talking to his older brother.

someone that regulus doesn’t know feels the exact same way about him.

if only they’d both known.


	2. jegulus - not enough to stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> james finds out about regulus’ dark mark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit down tonight so i’m projecting those feelings lol. sad!jegulus, enjoy :) this is a bit of a sadder chapter, so keep that in mind before you read; be kind to yourself. i love y’all

“reg, you can’t- you can’t be serious,” james says with tears filling his eyes, dropping regulus’ long sleeve. he was hurt, he felt betrayed, disgusted, an aching pain settling in his chest.

how had things gone so wrong? when did it all start to fall apart?

“james, i can...” regulus pauses for a moment. he takes a deep breath of air before he continues. “i can explain,” he says quietly, not looking james in the eyes.

not that he would’ve been able to. james was staring at the stone floor of the small hallway he and regulus had presided in. he didn’t want regulus to see the tears threatening to spill over.

he didn’t want him to know how much it hurt.

“explain?” james finally says quietly with disbelief. he looks up at regulus. neither of them could remember a time where they had both looked so drained, so defeated. so... empty. “how do you explain something like that, reg? ‘hey, look james, i know we’re madly in love and all but check out this dark mark i got this summer? oh, but don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think!’” he mimics mockingly.

“that’s not—“ regulus starts, but he’s cut off by james.

“regulus!” james says exasperatedly. “it’s exactly what it looks like! how could you— why would you—“

“it wasn’t my choice!” regulus yells at him, his vision blurring with tears. he knew he shouldn’t shout, they were out after curfew, but how can he stand here in front of the boy he loves and not defend himself?

“of course it was your choice! you could have said no! you could have ran away like sirius did! you could have done anything, but you— i’ve always, always, reminded you that you could leave that place and stay with us. stay with us where you’re welcome and with your brother and parents who love you and don’t pressure you and... and you could’ve stayed with me,” james trails off weakly.

he looks up at regulus. they’re both crying, their hair unruly and tiredness haunting their faces.

“don’t you know what this means now?” james’ voice breaks with the question.

they both know what it means.

“we’re against each other now,” regulus whispers. he knows it was a mistake. of course it was a mistake. not just a simple mistake, but a detrimental one. why had he gotten the stupid mark? to please his parents, to try and be the perfect little son now that sirius was gone?

everything was left on his shoulders when sirius left. everything had changed. how could he defy his parents when everything was now decided for him? now that everything was set in place just to keep him in line? he knew that the mark would change things. obviously he didn’t know the severity.

how could he? he was just a boy, with shitty parents and a runaway brother who’d left him to fend for himself. who could he turn to? he didn’t want james to know what had happened; after all, what would he think? what would he say?

now he knows.

but he just couldn’t leave home. home, where he’d grown up with parents who treated him better than they did his brother, with kreacher who was always there for him, in that family with all of these ideas of pure blood notions and ideals that had been ingrained in him.

it’s hard to turn away from the only thing you know.

“yes, we are,” james says sadly. they stare at each other. how did they get there, to that exact moment? where had they gone wrong?

james stares at regulus.

regulus, with his moppy dark hair that fell in messy waves, that hangs shorter than his brother’s. regulus, who helps james with astronomy and takes him to the astronomy tower so they can look at the stars, to point out the ones he found the most beautiful. regulus, who despite staying up late for homework and waking up at an ungodly hour of the morning, always makes it to james’ early quidditch practices when their schedules don’t conflict. regulus, who (although he would never admit it to anyone else) loves when james would play with his hair. regulus, who now has tears streaming down his face.

regulus, who was now cursed with a dark mark.

regulus stares at james. james, who already knows all about astronomy. james, who really just wanted to spend more time with his best friend’s brother. james, who winks at regulus during their games against each other. james, who takes his invisibility cloak and the marauders map— “ _oh, come on prongs, off again this late at night?” the marauders would tease_ — and sneaks out to meet his boyfriend at the astronomy tower, where they stare at the night sky and james drifts off to sleep to the sounds of regulus’ calming voice telling him all about the stars. james, who now looks like his world is falling apart.

james, who doesn’t know what to do.

james, in the order. regulus, a death eater. on their next mission, they could kill each other and never know it.

it‘s too much for james.

“i can’t leave,” regulus tells him hoarsely. they both know this. of course they do.

“i know, reg,” james says softly. “but this is too much for me, i can’t—“

“i know,” regulus whispers with a sad smile. he wishes he could go back in time. he wishes he could have left grimmauld place when he had the chance. maybe then he’d have his happy ending.

but he knows he never will. not in this lifetime.

“i love you, but i—“ james starts, and he stops before he can sob quietly through the words. “i’m sorry,” he says, and that was it.

he turns away, the back of his hand pressing against his mouth as he tries to cry quietly, walking away from the only person he’s ever truly learned to love, the person he really, _genuinely_ loves, outside of the marauders.

regulus stares at james’ retreating figure, his cheeks sticky from tears and hands slightly shaking and his thoughts invading his entire being.

he gets it.

he really does.

if he were in james’ spot, he would’ve done the same thing. how horrible it must feel to have someone you love make a life changing decision that ultimately betrays your trust.

 _he loves me_ , regulus thinks. _but not enough to stay_. and he understands that. it makes perfect sense.

and that was why it hurt the most.

 _i’m sorry_ , he apologizes wordlessly to no one, to everyone, to his brother, to james, before finally turning away from where they last stood together and returning to his dorms.

_i’m sorry. i’m sorry. imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry._


	3. wolfstar / the prank - i’m sorry isn’t enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prank ™️ — wolfstar angst. vv short headcanon

“moony, i’m sorry, i—“

“don’t,” remus warned, staring angrily at sirius. “you don’t get to call me that. not anymore.”

“remus, i’m sorry, i don’t know what i was thinking... i... i’m sorry.” sirius pleads. he doesn’t look remus in the eyes. he _can’t_.

“i love you, sirius, i really do, but i can’t... i can’t stay with you right now.” remus tells him. and it’s true. he still loves him, even after he’d shattered remus’ trust.

and remus hated himself for it. after all, how could he still love the man who’d threatened to break his entire existence?

“rem, i love you too. i still _do_. i don’t know what i was thinking.” he doesn’t know why he did it. he _wasn’t_ thinking.

“i know,” remus smiles sadly, because he wishes, _godric_ , he wishes, things could’ve been normal. that things could’ve been _different_. that the last 48 hours hadn’t happened.

that sirius had never thought revenge was more important than the life of one of the most important people in his life.

“i know,” remus repeats, a little more quietly this time. his face shows how tired he is. so _tired_. so _done_. “but it’s already hurting me to stay. i can’t trust you. not after what you did. not after... that.”

“i’m sorry,” sirius repeats, his voice breaking. he really is.

but it isn’t enough.


	4. regulus black - as the world caves in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> regulus black’s death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw in this chapter for death, some details abt drowning, and brief mention of past child abuse. please be kind to yourself <3

_here it is. _ regulus stares down at the locket in his hand. the cause of his mission. the horcrux, one of the pieces that would help destroy voldemort.

 _our final night alive_.  he knew he wouldn’t make it out of this alive. how would he?

 _ and as the earth burns to the ground.  _ the only way this would end was through pain. he wishes it could have been different. he wishes there were another way.

 _oh girl it’s you_.  and james. poor, sweet james, who already thought the worst of him. would he care if regulus were dead? he doubted it. after all, the last time they had seen each other, the last they had both heard, they were on opposing sides. they were enemies. lovers no more.

 _as the world..._ it burned. the drowning. he hadn’t felt a pain like this since that at his mother’s mercy. he felt himself being pulled under. was this really the end? despite the thought of it all, he wasn’t worried; above it all, he was okay with it. if dying this death, as he was quickly losing his breath and struggling to try and swim to the surface against the pulls of the inferi, was what it took to right the wrongs he had done, he was okay with it. 

he was okay with it. and that was one of his last thoughts before the pulls became too much and breathing became too much of a struggle, became too much of a burden.

_ as the world caves in... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from “as the world caves in” by matt maltese


	5. james and sirius - i’ll see you soon

“i’ll see you soon. i promise,” james had told him. he was tired; you could see in his eyes, in the way he smiled. he wished that for once, just _once_ , he would be safe. that his family would be safe. james was tired of running, tired of constantly questioning who he could trust.

but james knew he could trust sirius. dear old padfoot, his brother, his best friend. 

_i’ll see you soon. i promise_. these words played over and over in sirius’ head, haunting his memories every time there was a moment of silence. 

he never saw him alive again.


	6. jegulus - you’re in love with somebody else

“you’re in love with somebody else,” regulus states to james. “aren’t you?” he asks, a little more quietly.

this is a surprise for both of them; they haven’t talked since james had found out about regulus’ dark mark. since he had found out that they would be fighting on opposite sides. since they were last in love with each other.

“i am,” james told him. “with lily,” he smiles softly. “evans.”

he had fallen in love with lily. his beautiful lily, with her vibrant red hair that glowed copper in the sunlight. lily, with her collection of muggle books that she would let james read—  _ “oh, i love these ones, lily,” james would tell her, and he would excitedly read them next to her while they sat in front of the fire.  _ lily, with her prefect badge and the happiness she felt when she helped some of the younger students around the castle. lily, with her unwavering kindness and heart of gold.

he was in love with her. and regulus should have known that. how could he not be? she was perfect; she was kind; _she was lily evans_.

“that’s good. i’m... i’m happy for you,” regulus says, and he meant it. even though it hurt.

_ even if it’s not with me. _


	7. jegulus - i’ve moved on

“i’ve moved on,” james tells him. and he has. he fell in love with lily evans.

lily, his beacon of hope in such dark uncertain times. with her auburn hair and those beautiful eyes that no one would shut up about (james included). with her fierce kindness and contagious laugh and a smile that could make someone’s day.

lily evans was beautiful, and james potter fell in love with her.

regulus knew he couldn’t compare. how could he? after all, he was just the boy who james had first fallen in love with and eventually fallen out of love with. he was not beautiful like lily evans. he had the dark mark plaguing his forearm, a harsh contrast to his pale skin. lily evans was the picture of perfection, untainted by evil. he was not perfect, not even close in comparison. regulus’ hair was plain and he had a reserved kindness, and if you were to ask anyone, they would say he’s quiet. he’s a little bit awkward. but he had that look of power; after all, he’s a part of the black family.

_i’ve moved on._ regulus had known that, of course. he had seen them together, he had seen how happy they were. but james, with his unruly hair and tanned skin that now had a shadow cast over it in the dark light of the hallway, telling him here, telling him now— it made it real.

_ ”i’ve moved on” _


	8. peter pettigrew’s betray - we trusted him

_ we trusted him. _

sirius couldn’t handle it. they had trusted him. they’d trusted peter with their lives.  _ he’d  _ trusted peter. how could he do this to them, to all of them?

and remus.  _ poor remus _ _._ with his tawny curled hair and tired eyes and a kindness too good for some people. the same remus who loved to help first year students around the castle and feels an astronomical amount of happiness when he is able to help people learn new things. remus, who went through the worst pain of his life every month and was still able to put on a brave face through it all. kind, loving remus.

how had sirius ever thought he could have betrayed james and lily? how could he have trusted peter over his best friend, his first love, his _one_ love?

_war makes people blind._


	9. pining jily - oh shit

“well, that’s pretty rude of you to say.”

james looks up at lily, who smiles jokingly at him after she says it. her smile lit up the common room, an orange tint cast across her face as they sat in front of the common room fire.

“rude?” james asks with amuse in his deep voice. his thick eyes crease in mocking confusion as he stares at the girl he loves sitting next to him. “you’re getting mad because i’m calling violet stupid?” he questions, looking up from the book he was reading,  _ charlie and the chocolate factory. _

“well, she _is_ just a child, james! that’s just the way she was written. it’s symbolizes greed,” lily explains to him matter-of-factly. he shakes his his head, laughing with a full smile of those almost-too-perfect teeth that years of braces had worked wonders on.

“yeah, well, she’s stupid either way,” james tells her, returning his attention to the roald dahl children’s book.

he loves reading the books that lily brings with her from home. although she would never admit, because—  _oh, james potter is such an arrogant toe rag_ —  she would go searching for new books when they went home for the holidays and over the summer. she adored how much james loves to read muggle books; he’d never really grew up with them, and it was like he was making up for all of the lost opportunities.

lily evans was happy to help to help james potter. but don’t tell  _ him _ that— he might just lose his mind. imagine him learning that lily evans, the girl he’d been in love with for years, was starting to tolerate him.even more than that, she might be past tolerating him.

_oh shit_ ,  lily thought, as she looked over at the boy sitting next to her. his messy dark chestnut hair was flopping down and almost reaching his glasses as his head was bent down, completely immersed in the book. he had the same look of happiness on his face while reading it as he did when he was out causing mischief with his friends or teaching second years about useful little spells and hexes that would keep them safe, and lily couldn’t handle it. 

_i think i fancy james potter._


	10. remus lupin - happy birthday remu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday remu !! hc of remus’ first birthday alone without the marauders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw grief and mention of death

_ march 10, 1982 _

remus wakes up tired. and alone. he had had a dream where they were all back in school together. the marauders, the mischief makers, back together again.

of course, it had only been just that: _a dream._ lily and james were _dead._ peter was _dead_. sirius was a _traitor_.

everyone was gone.

_ except for remus. _

he wakes up like every morning. but when he’s putting together his toast, with the different spreads on four separate pieces, he can’t help but think of all of the memories.

_”birthday boy, coming through! move along, nothing to see here!”_ remus smiles sadly as he remembers his twelfth birthday with the marauders. now, as he sits here reminiscing, is his first one alone since he had started school. _”haaaaahhh-ppy birthday to you!” the three boys had bellowed at the top of their voices. “haaah-ppy birthday to youuu! haaaah-ppy birthday dear reeeeeee-mus!”_

“happy birthday to me,” he whispers under his breath, his voice breaking as he sings quietly. his eyes filled with tears, and he couldn’t help but smile despite it all. at least in his memories, things were still okay. everyone was still okay.

_ happy birthday, remu. _

_ (small excerpt abt the birthday singing from ch17 of atyd by mskingbean89) _


	11. wolfstar - war divides us all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i’m a little bitch for repetition; you’ve been warned. enjoy some war focused wolfstar angst

”you’re looking at me like... like you’re disgusted,” remus tells sirius, his voice breaking. neither of them are looking at each other. they’re standing apart, more so than they had in such a long time.

_ war divides us all. _

“what did i do?” he asks breathlessly. he scrambled to rack his brain for something he did, something he did wrong. “just tell me what i did, please!” he begs. where the hell had things gone wrong?

sirius doesn’t answer him. how could he? how is he supposed to tell the boy he loves that he doesn’t quite trust him anymore? that he somehow, deep inside, but still too close to the surface, has that itching feeling that remus might just be the traitor?

and after standing there for what seemed like forever, they both knew what the other was thinking, what they were feeling. remus, hurt because he thought he could trust sirius. thought he could trust him to know that he would never do something like that. that he would know that he would never do something to hurt james and lily.

and sirius, hurt because he thought he could trust moony. thought that he knew him well enough to think he would never do something like that. that remus would never do something to hurt james and lily.

_ war divides us all. _

”i loved you when you were who i fell in love with,” sirius finally whispers after a while. remus doesn’t think he’d have been able to hear him at all if it weren’t for his ability to pick up small unnoticeable sounds. it was almost like sirius hadn’t said it at all.

but he did.

remus looks up at him when he says it. ‘loved me when i was who he’d fell in love with?’ he thinks, confused. when had he changed? wasn’t he still the same moony he had always been?

but sirius didn’t think so. when he looked up, he saw remus standing across from him. scrawny, tall heighted— _“oh, i almost touch the ceiling with my head” he would always laugh_ — remus, with his tawny curls dark in the barely lit room. the same remus who studied like the world would end if he didn’t, who had horrible hangnails that he picked when he was nervous. sirius was always the one to take remus’ hands in his own so he would stop tearing at his fingers. the same remus who looked so happy when teaching those younger than him about anything and everything.

but that remus and the one standing in front of him were not the same person.

remus had changed. that openness that he had had around the marauders suddenly closed. not completely, but enough for people to notice. enough for people to _wonder_. enough for people to _worry_.

_ enough for people to become suspicious. _

at first, sirius didn’t want to believe it. of course remus couldn’t be the traitor. how could he? tall, bookish remus, who would bring spiders outside when they wandered into their dorm, or pet bumblebees when they would buzz happily around him as he sat at the lake with his fellow mischief makers. how could— how could _that_ remus be the traitor?

remus had become quiet since the ongoing war. he was always missing, and when he did happen to be there, he wasn’t quite... there. he had changed. so much.

sirius mistook it for betrayal. if remus wasn’t working with the enemy, then why would he be acting so differently? why wouldn’t he explain it to sirius?

but only remus and a select few knew the truth. he wished, _godric_ , he wished, that he could explain it all to sirius, that he could explain it to the most wonderful and lovely people he had ever come to know. but he couldn’t.

_ dumbledore said he couldn’t. _

_ no one could know about the missions. _

and so they stood there in difference. remus, a little too tired from everything going on. sirius, a little too tired of wondering who to trust. both just... exhausted. both standing there, staring at the person they love, holding two different perceptions on the same reality. 

_ war divides us all. _


End file.
